When I saw the headline What Your Little Finger Says About Your Personality on my internet news feed, I thought, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Then I clicked on it anyway.

And I’m glad I did. According to the article’s author, I’m sensitive, dedicated and focused. And she knows that without ever having met me simply because the tip of my little finger reaches just above the top joint of my ring finger. She says when people with pinkies like mine set our minds on something, we make it happen. Right then, I set my mind on bringing about greater understanding among people of all finger types by sharing this information with you, my readers.

But I wonder if my little finger may be mistaken about me being focused because I got distracted and started wondering if the rest of my hands have as much to say. Turns out a lot of people think they do. A quick internet search on the subject of hands and personality garnered more than five billion results. That’s billion with a B. I’m not making that up. I had to ask Siri what a five with nine zeros is.

I chose the first result because I didn’t have time to read them all. It was a personality test based on hand proportions, fingerprints and palm lines. And I’m happy to report that, according to my hands, I’m a disciplined person who ignores distractions. That’s me all right. In fact, I was almost able to ignore a link to an even more interesting article, “What Your Feet Say About You”. Almost, but not quite.

The article listed five types of feet: Greek, Roman, Celtic, German and Egyptian all based on toe length. Apparently heels and arches have nothing to do with personality, so when someone calls you a real heel, it shows how little they know.

I have Egyptian feet—toes angling down from big to small in an orderly fashion. This is odd since my people came mainly from Germany. Maybe that explains why my feet don’t know me very well. According to them, I’m moody and impulsive which contradicts what my hands say about me. They also show the world that I escape reality by daydreaming, follow my heart instead of my head and let my emotions overrule my thoughts. What a dumb test. I was so annoyed I kicked my desk.

Then I followed another link to an article concerning face shape and personality. I didn’t like it any better. On the bright side, my somewhat rectangular face says I’m very logical which contradicts my feet. But it also reveals a tendency to overthink things. I can’t argue with that given how much time I’ve spent wondering what my feet and hands say about me.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more confusing, I saw another link to a story with the most interesting headline yet: Can Your Belly Button Tell You Anything About Your Personality? There’s no scientific evidence that it can, but that doesn’t keep navel gazers from floating theories and me from wasting time reading them.

According to the article my navel reveals a complex and emotional personality which is in line with what my feet say but that I “struggle to settle down and find my path” which contradicts my hands and face.

Until there’s a more accurate way to assess personality, I probably should avoid wearing crop tops. I might also want to leave my shoes on and spend less time on the internet.

Dorothy Rosby is the author of three books of humorous essays, including I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know Me Better. Contact drosby@rushmore.com.